We’ve got to talk about it.
Parenthood in the Black community has become such a controversial and toxic topic of discussion through the years, and it’s time to address it from a healthy, objective perspective.
We have allowed personal experiences to cloud our judgement on the matter for a long time, but no more.
There are stigmas on both ends that need to be broken, so let’s get to it!
#1 – Black mothers are not always bitter.
I am very tired of seeing this narrative being thrown around every time we hear the anything about child support. Yes, this can be very true at times, there are unfortunately mothers who use their children as pawns to get back at the fathers. However, accountability is not the same thing as bitterness. It’s amazing when fathers want to be in their children’s lives, but we all know simply loving them isn’t enough. Living is not free, there’s food, clothing, school expenses, extracurricular activities, etc. We need to understand the difference.
#2 – Black fathers are not always deadbeats.
This is yet another tired narrative that needs to stop circulating. There are many fathers who are present and active in the lives of their children. There are many fathers who pay child support with no complaints or even contribute without designated court orders. I will never forget the time I was asked if my father who (along with the rest of my family) dropped me off at the airport was my stepdad. First of all, anyone who looks at us can see the resemblance. Secondly, why would that be her first assumption when seeing a male figure around? And before you ask, yes, she was Black. We need to fix this.
#3 – Children don’t always need to be persuaded to hold resentment against a parent.
So often I see people assume that one parent influences children to resent the other parent in the event that there is some sort of childhood resentment. We need to stop acting like kids aren’t smart enough to see when a parent is not active in their lives or doesn’t want to connect with them. It is an insult to their intelligence to always assume they were fed things to develop those feelings.
#4 – Child support does not need to exist.
Now, I’ve mentioned child support previously, but I think it’s worthy enough to have its own talking point. As I stated before, children are costly. Unfortunately, some “parents” want to get away with not holding any financial responsibility just because they’re active in their children’s lives and that’s simply not fair. That other parent doesn’t get a choice on whether or not they want to provide. I see people often use financial troubles as an excuse, and while I totally empathize, the other parent probably isn’t in the best financial situation either. If they were, they wouldn’t need child support. Yet, they still have to find a way to make things happen. Love doesn’t pay the bills.
#5 – Children don’t hold any substantial weight.
This stigma is probably the most toxic one I’ve listed so far. How many times have you seen or heard a child’s feelings get belittled because “they’re too young to have nerves”, or they “don’t pay any bills”?? It’s sickening how people grow up and have kids (or vice versa) and forget how they felt when they were in their child’s place. Whatever issues they’re facing may not seem like a big deal to you, but that’s only because you’ve gotten through it already. For them, that situation is the hardest thing they’ve had to deal with thus far, they don’t know anything else because they haven’t experienced anything else, so it is a big deal to them. And it was a big deal to you when you were that age. Remember that before you want to write their feelings off as minimal.
#7 – Children don’t deserve respect.
Yes, children should be respectful of their elders and other people in general, but that energy deserves to be reciprocated. Too often parents use their kids as scapegoats for all their frustrations because they usually won’t get away with treating anyone else that way. They know that they’re kids don’t have a choice but to take it and can’t retaliate, which is utterly disgusting and more prevalent than most people care to admit. Your children didn’t ask to be here, they deserve respect, too.
I could go on with this list of stigmas because we all know there are far too many to name, but you all catch my drift.
When it’s all said and done, parenthood is all about the children, they are the top priority.
Remember that before you want to mistreat or talk down on the other parent or even to the kids themselves.
If you can’t do this, wrap it up.
And that’s it, and that’s all.
Let me know your experiences with Black parenthood in the comments below and on our social media pages.