We’ve got to talk about it.
Everyone is always speaking about their encounters with toxicity and how it shouldn’t be tolerated.
And this is true!
However…
You rarely see people admit to their own faults and talk about their toxic traits.
We all have them, but of course no one likes being wrong, so unfortunately most of us avoid our flaws altogether.
But not today.
Today we’re doing a really deep dive into toxicity from an internal perspective.
You all know that there isn’t a topic covered on here that hasn’t hit me first, so in the spirit of transparency, I’m going to share a little storytime.
Last year, I got into my first real adult relationship.
None of the puppy love type stuff or entanglements, but a real relationship where I fell in love for the first time and began making long-term plans.
For the sake of his privacy, I’m only going to focus on myself, so keep that in mind if it seems like there are holes in the story.
Looking back, it was very obvious that I went into that relationship carrying a lot of baggage.
In the moment, it seemed like such a fun whirlwind, but now I know that it was really just a lack of boundaries and impulsive decisions.
1 month before we “met”, my parents divorce was finalized.
1 month before we “met”, I realized I was a victim of molestation.
(I’d previously attempted to write it off as something else.)
3 days before we “met”, my grandmother died.
1 week after we “met”, we became an exclusive couple, 3 weeks before we even met in person (he lived in another state).
1 month into our relationship, he met my family.
I could go on and on about the baggage and impulsiveness, but you get the picture.
I’ve mentioned my issues with emotional detachment and vulnerability numerous times before, and this is where my toxic behavior came in.
I was impatient.
I was unrealistic.
I was extremely cold.
Every time he did something I didn’t like; I would question if I should leave.
Every time he didn’t change a behavior as fast as I would have wanted, I would get in my feelings.
Every time I got in my feelings, I would immediately shut down and put up my defenses.
Now granted, he had his own flaws, so some of my frustrations were completely warranted.
My extremity wasn’t warranted, though.
I had developed unrealistic expectations based on all this “relationship goals” stuff because while they may say that it’s about healthy love, what people really expect from #relationshipgoals is perfection.
Any issue that “doesn’t serve you” is worth leaving.
Add that on to my other baggage and I was a tainted mess.
So, what changed?
Well, thank God for honest friends and honest conversations.
I went to my two best friends (who are both in long-term relationships) for advice a few times, and they set me straight.
I realized that some of the things I was mad about wasn’t a flaw on his end, but rather a reflection of a toxic trait within myself.
I also that realized that in the event that there was a flaw he needed to fix, I had to give him time to unlearn that behavior.
Often times, we don’t want to give others the same grace we desire for ourselves and that’s simply not fair.
It’s twice as hard to unlearn a behavior than it is to learn it, especially if that’s been your norm for an extended period of time.
You cannot expect someone to change years’ worth of behavior in a day because that behavior is attached to a belief that is even more extensive.
As long as you see them putting in the effort to change it, you should stick it our for a while longer.
After I had this realization, that’s when I saw exponential growth.
I’d always been a good communicator, but communication became a lot clearer after the fact because I was able to properly source a lot of my feelings.
Every time I would catch myself getting irritated, before acting I would first ask myself, “Am I being realistic? What role have I played in this situation?”
We parted ways earlier this year, and I can honestly say that it wasn’t because of my toxicity.
I became more patient.
I set realistic expectations and boundaries.
I became extremely vulnerable.
So, before you go trying to throw salt on someone else’s name, first ask yourself:
“Am I being realistic?”
“What role have I played in this situation?”
“What is the underlying source of my frustration?”
If you can’t clearly identify a source on their end (aka pinpoint a flawed belief that’s tied to their behavior), you may need to assess how legitimate your frustration is and act accordingly.
And honestly?
You may find that your frustration is linked to toxic traits of the both of you.
It’s possible that the other person will need to fine tune their behavior while you fine tune your expectations at the same time.
It’s called compromise.
So, it’s time for a brutal self-check, Boujee Bosses!
We’ve got to get rid of all our toxicity if we want to prosper.
And that’s it, and that’s all.
Let me know about some of your toxic traits in the comments below and on our social media pages!