Let’s Talk About College Series Part 1: Mental Health

Welp!

My college career is coming to an end.

In less than one month I will be officially done with school.

That is so crazy to write, I feel like I was just dropped off in front of my freshman dorm, but that was literally almost four years ago.

College has been the craziest rollercoaster; my life has shifted soooooo many times on this journey, so I would be remiss not to make a series about it as I close this chapter.

As most of you may know from previous series, I usually put my series sub-topics under the mental health, emotional intelligence and physical well-being categories.

Well actually, all my posts in general are sub-topics.

However, college is such a broad topic that encompasses so much that I’m going to use our main three categories as the titles in this series.

So, let’s take a trip down memory lane…

When I first started freshman year, although I’ve always been mature for my age, I obviously still had some of that high school mentality.

I was naïve in that I wanted everyone around me to be like me.

That desire was quickly shattered when I encountered my first set of mean girls, people I thought were my friends.

This is when I really learned the art of back-handed compliments and shade.

There was no one like me, and although I had connected with a few people, I felt alone.

This was when my mental health really started to spiral.

I became very reclusive, I never wanted to go anywhere, I was a complete shell of myself.

It wasn’t until I took the initiative to ask a classmate about her evening plans that things began to take a turn.

I went out to a college event in town with her and her friend and felt like I could really let my hair down for the first time since my collegiate journey began.

You’d think things would get better here, right?

Wrong!

It’s so funny how when one area of your life gets better, another area begins to fall apart.

As my friendships were growing, my health began to deteriorate.

Most college students experience insomnia at some point, especially during freshman year.

I don’t know what it is, but even for the most organized people like myself, our sleep schedules fall all out of wack.

I was getting an average 2-3 hours of sleep every night, and everyone knows that lack of sleep can lead to many other health issues.

My hair started falling out; I’m talking I would scratch it and see a ball in my hand, I started having panic attacks, it was just a mess.

I wish there was some one-for-all answer that I could give to let you know how I got through that phase, but honestly, I think it was just growing pains.

I mean, let’s think about it.

From the time you arrive at school, you realize that the rest of your life is in your hands.

It’s all on you.

That’s a lot of pressure.

It’s not so much even the school aspect.

I tell people all the time, the classes are the easiest part of college.

They only take up about 20% of your time.

It’s what you do with that 80% that really narrates your mental psyche.

So, for all the freshman, know that it’s going to be a huge adjustment, high school is not like college, but you’ll get through it.

“But it only goes up from here, right?”

For now…

I will say that overall, my mental health was in a pretty good place during my sophomore year, and I can attribute that to all the organizations I joined.

I had dipped my toe in extracurricular activities freshman year, but sophomore year was when I really took a deep dive.

One of the best things you can do to get out of a mental rut is to go out and do things you enjoy.

It doesn’t mean you’re running from anything, but different environments can provide a much-needed break.

And in college, getting involved in organizations was when I really noticed my confidence began to soar.

I had never really been shy, but I have been very reserved in the past.

I noticed that all the people I had met individually began to accumulate, and before I knew it, I could walk past groups of people and speak because I knew at least one of them.

I found myself starting conversations with random people I didn’t know, and to my surprise, they were actually receptive!

There’s something about exuding outward confidence (even if you have to fake it for a while) that makes you feel good on the inside, too.

I even learned how to properly handle confrontation like an adult when I had a crazy roommate situation.

Everything seemed to be going okay.

And then the summer before junior year happened.

I’ve told the story of when I had plans to transfer schools, and how I didn’t apply for housing at my current university, leaving me without a place to stay when those plans fell through.

Although my friend and former roommate came through, I went through a bit of a depression because I had to work so much that I only had time for classes.

I had to drop all those extracurriculars that lifted my spirits so much to make ends meet and my work environment was extremely toxic.

I am a firm believer that life can be harder for working college students than it is for those in the corporate because they make way more money and get to clock out at five.

Meanwhile, I’m submitting essays on my hotspot in the middle of a shift, smh.

I’m not saying those who only work don’t work hard but trying to juggle both work and school full-time is a whole different beast.

Ahh, the sacrifices we make for those degrees.

Please stay encouraged y’all, it’ll be worth it in the end.

I noticed an immediate shift in my spirits when I moved back on campus the following semester and was able to resume all my extracurricular activities.

This was also when TMP first came to me, and I got back into writing, so I was really on a high from all the excitement of the newness.

Junior year ended off a pretty high note.

Senior year.

I don’t even know where to start.

Okay.

Well right before I left again for school, I had heartbreaking realization about a childhood trauma that I’d tried to avoid for years.

That was a tough pill to swallow.

Still is.

But I don’t know what to do with this realization, so I put it on the backburner and leave to finish out my last year.

So, y’all know how I said earlier that the classes were the easy part of college because they only take up 20% of your time?

Well this 20% was kicking my butt.

See, a full-time course load at my university is 12 credit hours (4 classes), but the students usually sign up for 15 (5 classes).

Ya girl decided to be extra and add a minor in the middle of junior year, so I had to take 18 credit hours in both Spring ’19 and Fall ’19 to ensure that I still graduate in May 2020.

Honestly.

WHY do I do these things to myself??

I was able to get through the spring semester of junior year unscathed.

But that fall??

Oh, babeh!

They had me ALL the way bent.

I’m talking projects and presentations in every class, mad homework assignments, I mean they was really acting like we don’t got nothing else to do!

I had TWO jobs, this blog, and all the other organization stuff, most of which I’m on exec boards for.

I was burnt out by mid-September.

And not even a week later, my Grandma dies.

My heart.

Just gone unexpectedly.

I think what made matters worse was that I had finally built up the courage to tell a family member about what had happened to me, and it was going to be her because she always remained neutral.

It also didn’t help that a lot of people back at school weren’t accommodating.

I mean, I literally remember standing in my aunt’s house, getting ready to enter the family car to go to the funeral and having to correspond via email about an upcoming event because no one else would do it.

That really messed my head up.

I think everything that I had internalized over the years came to a head during that time, and the only way to not lose my mind was to numb myself.

Wrong decision.

One of the first blog posts I uploaded on here, I talked about my emotional detachment issues (Emotional Detachment), and man was it real.

I also talked about how my health began to plummet around that time, way worse than it had my freshman year.

I was dealing with the same issues someone 3x my age was dealing with, and it was really rough.

But somehow, I found a way to push through the semester, and even make the dean’s list.

The worst semester of my life produced the best academic results, I guess there’s just something about working under pressure.

I really wanted to get back in a good headspace, to start the new decade off on a good note, so I went in guns blazing.

I made all these plans for TMP, started applying for internships and jobs post-graduation, even booked my first speaking engagement.

Sure, I had a few hiccups here and there, but I was really coming into my own, I felt like a real woman for the first time in my life.

Then the pandemic hit, and y’all know where that took my mind if you read my post a few weeks ago (To All The Overthinkers).

So, here I am now, exactly three weeks from obtaining my degree, and here is an update on where my mental state is:

I am heartbroken but determined.

I am trying to grieve all my losses properly for the first time in my life, so it’s been a big adjustment, but I know that things will get better.

I am finishing up my coursework for school, taking other courses to help build my brand, and practicing manifestations.

I am also crying every other night and sleeping way more than usual because my health issues are flaring up again.

That’s my truth.

But I’m determined.

And that’s what has kept me sane throughout this process, so I’m going to hold on to it.

I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to give you all a nice closure piece, but that’s just how life is sometimes.

Sometimes, you don’t feel positive and progressive.

So, the main piece of advice I can give all college students in regard to their mental health, is to feel all your feelings.

Know that sometimes, life is just gonna suck, but always remember that it won’t stay that way.

It will get better.

And you’ll come out a degreed survivor.

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